Greatest Hits - Facebook Edition

So, in an effort to preserve some of my most profound prose and poetic ponderings I have gone back over the last few months of my Facebook activity and picked out my favorite status updates to be reprinted here for posterity.... or the three* of you who actually read my blog.

It all started when I decide to try to convince my undergrad friends to visit me in Iowa.   They have not yet done so but that in no way makes the following paragraph any less entertaining.

"Dear closest friends from Franklin Pierce: I trust you are aware that I am in law school and would welcome a visit from old friends. . .

Accordingly, and with authority, I advise, nay appoint, you to assemble our most amicable of associates, not mere acquaintances but appreciated allies and arrive so accompanied at my present area for the advancement of activities alternatively amusing and awesome. I am adamant that such action at least be attempted and not airily abandoned afore the achievement is accomplished. By your appearance you will all be assured to acquire my absolute admiration and affection. Hopefully this alliteration alone is adequate to attain your attention and arouse your ambition. I await your answer, hopefully acquiescent and not apologetic, with abundant anticipation."
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After that I felt a need to try something like that again and luckily I found inspiration in an unlikely place... my first law school test.

"My friends. . .

We must not let this much maligned midterm make misanthropes of us. Instead of allowing melancholy, misery, and madness to manifest in our minds we must maintain morale and trust in our merits to mitigate our myriad of misgivings about this mandatory multiple choice monstrosity as we meet it on the morrow not with mere memorization but with a magnificent mastery of the material and it's meaning.

I hope this made your mood merrier at least momentarily. . ."

After a friend of mine said he felt like he had become part of "some messed up version of sesame street for adults" I decided to stop with the alliterations for awhile.
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I would not be the first law student to notice that eventually you start seeing law issues everywhere but even I was impressed at myself for seeing a contracts hypo in the climax of one of my favorite movies.

"Luke, strike down your father and your transformation to the dark side will be complete!

This offer may only be accepted by performance of actually striking down your father also known as Anakin Skywalker or Darth Vader. Turning to the dark side entitles you to other valuable consideration such as the use of force lightning. Any disputes rising out of this agreement will be heard in the courts of Coruscant but will apply the substantive and procedural laws of Tatooine. This offer expires at such time as Lord Vader rebels against the offeror and throws him down the reactor of a Death Star."

I would go on to note that the reason for the choice of law clause was that only a "wretched hive of scum and villainy" would uphold a contract that calls for patricide.

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 Time went on and I thought it would be funny to juxtapose the joy of Christmas with the soul crushing stress brought on by finals...  also I was having computer trouble at the time.

Twas the seventh day of finals and law school gave to me:
Seven study groups
Six AM wake ups
Five hours of sleep!
Four major tests
Three review sessions
Two nervous breakdowns
And a dying laptop battery!
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This idea continued with my spoof of "A Visit From St. Nicholas"

Twas the night after finals and all through the town
Law students were drinking, their sorrows to drown
The classrooms were empty, the lights were all dim
The very last bluebooks had all been turned in

Professors were grading with sinister glee
Taking pleasure in torturing 1L's like me
Still I had studied and I did my best
I was pretty sure I had passed every test

I was sitting and nursing my third or fourth drink
When all of a sudden I started to think
The semester was over and I had survived
Against all the odds I was still alive
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Finally, we have my newest favorite status update, a tribute to procrastination and my hatred for writing assignments that seem to value style and minutia over substance.

Once upon a night distressing, I was writing (just BS'ing)
Working on this paper given just to cause me grief
While I typed and then deleted, feeling ever so defeated
As each point I just repeated working on this cursed brief
"This is punishment" I muttered working on this cursed brief

My workload I wasn't denting, with each phrase I was inventing
Now my sorrow unrelenting raised inside me one belief
"This is pointless" I was thinking, as my hopes continued sinking
Driven just halfway to drinking working on this cursed brief
Then I sought out some relief

For the cold I started dressing, the distraction was a blessing
For once I simply wasn't stressing, stressing on this cursed brief
For a walk I would be going, though the winds would still be blowing
For one hour I'd be knowing some small measure of relief.
Then back to this cursed brief...
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*Yes I realize that three may be overselling it a bit